Destiny by John Waterhouse (1900)

I am ready to let go of my MS.  I have decided I no longer have any use for what I once referred to as a gift.  Not all gifts work out.  Some are graciously accepted and then stuffed in the closet.  Some are re-gifted.  Some are outgrown.  As for mine, I have decided that it is becoming a hindering excuse; it’s just too easy to play the MS card.  Recently I was asked why I might not be ready to let go of my MS.  At first I was a little taken aback.  No one in their right mind wants to have MS.  But later when I thought about the question, it didn’t take long to come up with a short, but sobering list of reasons why I would want to keep such a thing.  It’s easy to think of the perks such as enjoying having a little more help around the house or maybe a bit more familial attention.  If you dig a little deeper something more profound may come to the surface.  The most obvious thing that occurred to me was that my expectations about what is possible for me was lowered when I considered my diagnoses.  It sounds ridiculous when I think about it, but unfortunately true.  Why would anyone not want to live up to their potential?

I have floundered for years trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I spent 20 years raising a family and taking college classes, working towards various degrees.  Maybe I would be a teacher; maybe a nurse; maybe a legal researcher.  I’ve come close to a few of these aspirations, but in the end never saw a single one through to the end.  I’ve always felt insecure and maybe a little guilty about my perceived lack of accomplishments and accepting an MS diagnoses became the perfect out.  No one would expect me to push through now.  What would be the point?

What I missed in my previous self assessment was that I had already accomplished quite a bit.  I had raised a family and made a home.  I had amassed great friends through my life.  Sure I spent a lot of time and money taking classes that never turned into a career, but it wasn’t a waste.  I became educated even if I still lack a few credits.  I had been learning to think and was keeping my mind active during a period of time that can be considered mind numbing at times.  All the endless hours of child care, and cleaning, were interspersed with being a nutritionist, a counselor, and at times a mediator.  I also spent many hours volunteering at school, church and the town library.  I was contributing my time and talents to the community.  I was keeping my children happy and safe and allowing my husband time to focus on his career by being the keeper of the house.

The careers that I chose to pursue never seemed to work out.  For various reasons, finishing my degrees never came to fruition.  At times it seemed to be situations beyond my control that blocked my path and I now consider the possibility that perhaps I created the impediments.  What I know now is that it really doesn’t matter; not because I was diagnosed with MS, but because I’ve come to the conclusion that none of those things were my destiny.  I still may not be sure of what exactly is my fate, but MS is not part of my plan.  I definitely want to make that one more thing that I don’t follow through with.  I am ready to be healed.